Samstag, 31. Dezember 2011


I feel like....

Seriously I already have the feeling I will fail a lot at my new year's resolutions.
I got that feeling just 2 hours ago. Gentleness is what makes me already feel like this.
And in such situations, I always wonder if I am really such a horrible person or if it's only because he is such a "GUTMENSCH". I can't really tell..but at any rate it makes me feel awful.
I am good at hurting other people in order not to get hurt..but in the end I always have to deal with the consequences. Well, usually I don't even see that my actions could hurt others in the very first place, because I feel safe. But then, out of the blue, bad luck is being my friend and destroys my favourite moments in life. Maybe it was just an awful year.
At any rate it was a year, which could be described a quite bitter, painful but also pretty and beautiful year.
If you think about it that the most horrible event this year caused one of the most beautiful events in my life, it's pretty ironic...or maybe even macabre.
But I also wonder why something so dramatic has to happen to make my favourite band unite.
It's pretty tough to think about....dozens of people had to die
to make these 5 people come make me see make me see him as well.
It's probably better not to think about it at all.

But you know, no day passes without me blaming myself.
I wonder if some things would be different now if I hadn't done this and that.
That's what you call regretting - yes.
Actually in my life I didn't regret that much yet - but this I am regretting a lot.
But that's the Internet. People act without thinking. Why should they? It's not like it has auchbig effects on real life anyway. Well that's true...but losing something important is painful after all.
And it doesn't matter at all if it's the Internet or real life. People are connected.
But so...I probably have another view on the Internet than people who are 20 years older or 10 years younger than myself. I guess older people take it more serious while younger don't at all.
But that's something I didn't consider at all. Maybe generation gaps are tough. Understanding each other is tough. I already have a tough time understanding teenagers these days.
But probably from the viewpoint of 40+ people, my way of writing and dealing with stuff looks also childish?
Well I don't really know.
Actually when a almost 40year old man says to you: "You need to become calmer" it's already the moment when you think: "Already old experienced and wise enough to say something like this, huh."
It's when you feel...this generation gap, which isn't bad because you only learn by older people how to become a better person. Sometimes the way they act is not understandable though but who knows...maybe I will also say only nice things about others....but I would lie to myself if I said something which isn't the truth.
And what's about the "this time". Did you expect there to be a "next time"?
Well now there is no reason anymore for a next time. But why do we always need reasons to go somewhere? Why can't we just go to look at foreign places we don't know. Usually when people ask you why you go to XY place for vacation, they won't be satisfied if you just say: "Just because I want to see the environment." I don't know what arguments they wanna hear. If you don't wanna go there, if you can't imagine to go there, don't even think that I will give you arguments so that you maybe consider going there as well. People's interests are so different...
It's not like I am asking  people why do they go to turkey, although I can't understand it either. But there must be something because many people in Germany love to fly there. o.o

But at any rate, I will stop thinking about being special. I know I am, because every human is something special. Bright and dark sides. No one is perfect but somehow there are these kind of people who seem perfect. But usually these people are boring I think.
I rather prefer these kind of untransparent people. It's interesting if they always have something hidden...
On the other hand, I am annoyed by these kind of people, who talk too much about their whole life. But  I am also annoyed by those people who seem like hiding everything and don't open their heart at all.
You can't understand people's opinions and thoughts if you don't know their background.


Oh today is new year's eve...already 6am..I should sleep some hours...otherwise I might miss my train....
Good night.

Freitag, 30. Dezember 2011




Guten Morgen Sternenglanz!! Nein, ich mein nich Hideki, den Arschkeks

Gestern Abend erstmal schön Willy geguckt. Ach is so toll...ich hätt ihn uch geheiratet wenn seine Frisur nich so mies wäre. ö__ö
Und ach Hideki hat heute nix geschrieben..der olle Pimmel. Wehmut~~~
Aber ach eigentlich...

denn heute Abend ist mein phänomenaler Auftritt!
Übrigens hab ich mich vorhin erschrocken weil ich im Schrank mein tolliges Siam Shade Konzert Ticket gefunden habe!

Dammdammdammdamm!! BAUMSTAMM!
Wenn der Herr mal wenigstens einen Baumstamm gegen den Kopf bekommen hätte, wäre er vllt jetzt bei Besinnung und wir hätten ne ganz andere Beziehung! Nein, ich werde noch Vergeltung üben! Und sie wird grausam sein! Noch grausamer als je zuvor! Dabei bin ich doch so ein netter Mensch! D: Tze manche wissen es halt nicht zu schätzen.
Mensch die Kinnaz bei unsere kleine Farm sind alle immer so drollig. Naja gut es gibt uch hässliche! o__o Aber dieser süßer Fratz bei dem anderen Film heute..wie uch immer er noch mal hieß war wirklich so furzniedlich..ich hatte wirklich das Bedürfnis genau so ein süßes Kind haben zu wollen. Aber wahrscheinlich würde es ein Unfallkind sein. Wer "macht" heutzutage noch Wunschkinder, hmm? o__O

Ach hab ich noch mehr zu sagen? Nee erstmal nich...
Morgen is ja schon Silvester! O.o Und nix geplant..zumindest nix ordentliches...uch gut xD
Wenn nix vorangeht dann bleib ich eben zu mir uch rille o.o

Donnerstag, 29. Dezember 2011


Can't sleep..when my heart is broke in two~
There's no beat...without youuu~

Song lines just came to my mind randomly.
Watched the first 3 episodes of the Nodame Cantabile Anime on my new TV. ♥ 
And then I watched the rest of Howl's moving castle on tv.
But no matter what I watch, I noticed, my thoughts always wander off.
Without even wanting it, I automatically find my own connections. But this happens too often in daily life. It happens all the matter where I am. This is probably what you call love sick. But actually I am far away of wanting to feel like this. If I had the chance to talk to this love sick person here as another person..I would so tell this person here "You know it's stupid! You know you are not love sick! You are just thinking it is like this! Wake up! I tell you wake up!" But honestly speaking I know that by myself..and it's not like I am glad to feel this way and I know it's stupid.


All I want is finding/getting my Chiaki or Hauru of dreams D:
Am I aiming for too much?
Well you can't find someone if you are not open enough to find HIM.
Probably I actually don't want to find HIM because my heart is already taken. 間違ってる?

Aber es fühlt sich richtig an. Ich meine, ich könnte gar nicht wenn ich wollte. Ich hätte das Gefühl IHN zu betrügen...egal wie dämlich das klingt. Wobei ich auch bzeweifle dass es ihn interessieren würde, weil es ihn sowieso nichts angeht.
Aber vielleicht, vielleicht..vielleicht. Nein ich hab keine Hoffnung. Ich bilde mir nichts ein. Ich warte auch nicht. Ich tue das was ich immer tue. Aber wahrscheinlich werde ich das richtige tun. Meine Intuition sagt mir, dass es richtig ist..und ich werde keinen Rückzieher machen.
Es gibt nur zwei Möglichkeiten.
1. Es ist ihm egal.
2. Es tut ihm weh.

Die Wahrscheinlichkeit dass Nummer 2 eintritt aber es wie Nummer 1 wirkt ist auch hoch.
Sogesehen wird es egal wie auch immer in Nummer 1 enden, selbst wenn er Nummer 2 fühlt.
Also ist das sogesehen auch alles sinnlos...denn damit schade ich nur mir selbst. Nun...nicht schaden...vllt wirkt es ja heilend.
Aber damit es heilt, müsste ich auf alles verzichten. Ja, auf alles..und das ist unmöglich.  o.o

Mittwoch, 28. Dezember 2011

Thinking o.o

No deep thoughts for real...but I am thinking of making this place here to my new blog home.
Unfortunately all my past entries of the last 5 years are on livejournal and if I don't take them to this place, I feel incomplete :(
But actually I like this place here more than LJ. It feels more comfortable o.o
Well I only copy my lj entries one by one I might have finished it in some's not like I wrote 1000 entries in the last 5 years I think...but oh wait...

"1.312 Journal-Einträge, 90 Kategorien, 15 Erinnerungen, 30+ ScrapBook-"

So I indeed have more than 1000entries XDDD
Well I don't mind...
I already got shocked by copying the ones from 2005. They are all crazy...might be because I was a lot younger? :D"
And then I also looked at my hideki tags and was giggling because reading it seems so...I don't know different. Who has ever thought that situations change. But no matter what, I am still in a very annoying situation. The rest of my life seems all alright but this is the only thing which is worrying me..or let's rather say which makes my life seem horrible lately. But I can't tell him that he is the only reason why my life feels ruined lately, although it would be the truth. However on the other hand, of course I can't blame him for his decision..he has to do what he has to do to make the majority happy. when he only tries to make individuals happy, other people will feel jealous... Quite frustrating for both of us. lol
Well in the end it probably was more frustrating for me than for him because I can be replaced easily. I mean in the end I am just a bothersome money source as a fan. I can't give money most of the time because I can't attend anything.
But then I wonder, what is his source of money? It's not like he earns a lot just by doing these kind of small :D" いやいや!

Oh it's been a while since I enjoyed writing a blog! Actually the only reason why I didn't is...I didn't have any reason why I should write!!!
But as soon as I start writing, I can't stop XDD
Uwaaaah only 2am! Well actually I am glad that we don't exchange messages anymore. I put too much efforts in it...I have showed too much of myself..I also wrote too much into the mails....
Of course I am worried about what he thinks about me right now. I don't know if he really feels sorry or if he was just polite. But maybe..or let's rather say..probably...I will never know!
And I am still unsure about what to do....

Samstag, 17. Dezember 2011

End of the year meme - Yay Yay YAy

Because it's a tradition for me even though I don't update this blog anymore out of boredom...

1. What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before?
A lot stuff, going to japan, going to a siam shade concert, going to the hospital....o_o

2. Did you keep your New Years' resolutions and will you make more for next year?
Didn't make any I think

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
I don't think so

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Don't think so

5. What countries did you visit?
Japan and Poland.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
In March - Don't remember the date but Counti visited me :D
7. March - got my first mail ever by Hideki Papa
29. July - got my driver license finally
17. October - went to Japan alone and met Aya and Lizie on the air port <3
21. October - Siam Shade concert. Best concert ever.
26. October - Meeting Hideki..short meeting but it was so touching that I will always remember it with happiness but also with sadness....
27. October - back to Germany and it felt awesome
24. November - Had a car accident
26. November - met my friends finally again after like 1 or 2 years? WTF but it didn't feel like such a long period at all.
Thinking about dates right now is tough...but those are the ones which were the most interesting and touching ones this year...

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
- bought a Iphone
- got my DETROX fanclub card
- got my driver license
- bought a new TV

9. What was your biggest failure?
- hurt a very precious person more than once just because I was careless and stupid..well living with the consequence now...

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
alight traumatic brain injury..and maybe some colds

11. What was the best thing you bought?
iphone, tv, v6, nds, siam shade ticket, flight ticket to japan?

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Hideki' well and the behaviour of an annoying classmate lol

14. Where did most of your money go?

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
about going to japan, going to the siam shade concert and then even more exciting meeting him...=_=

16. What song will always remind you of 2011?
Siam Shade - Dear...
Takeuchi Hiroaki - Dear night rainbow
Takahashi Yoko  - zankoku na tenshi no Thesis

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: Happier or sadder? Thinner or fatter? Richer or poorer?
right at this moment?

Happier or sadder..don't know
Probably as fat as last year and poorer because I was wasting so much money this year

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Learn more for school, be more patient and empathic

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Smoking, bothering someone.

20. How will you be spend Christmas?
At work...

21. Did you fall in love in 2011?

23. How many one-night stands?

24. What was your favourite TV program?
what I watched..hmm not much just some animes...NGE and Rainbow!

25. Are you angry at anyone now that you weren't angry at this time last year?

26. What were the best books you read?
Did I read something? that one book was cool the japanese one I read..dont remember the name right now

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

28. What did you want and get?
Driver license, Japan vacation, Siam Shade reunion + concert, mails by hideki and meeting him

29. What did you want and not get?

30. What was your favourite film of this year?

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Don't remember my birthday but turned 23

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Love (T_T)

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
Nothing changed

34. What kept you sane?
cigarettes, coffee and well actually I was insane!

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Hideki Papa

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

37. Who did you miss?
Many precious people

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Don't know

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011:
- Never smoke in your car when it's dark
- Never hurt people you actually love just because they don't act as you wish

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

Sunlight was the only thing that felt right before I came here
But inside it feels like it keeps raining
And every drop is like the tears we couldn't cry
Because inside we were all alone
But this place gave us something, it somehow made us strong

If there's a place inside this world
Where hopes and dreams are not yet lost
We'll stand and fight against these walls
We'll fight this fight forevermore

Sometimes I feel this anger changing slowly into
A monster that keeps on creeping under
And I don't think that I can take anymore
I need you here like never before
But can you hear me call?

If there's a place inside this world
Where hopes and dreams are not yet lost
We'll stand and fight against these walls
We'll fight this fight forevermore
If there's a place inside this world
Where we must go back to once more
Until the day we find that place
We're not alone

Coldrain - We're not alone

Freitag, 21. Oktober 2011

Uhm...Siam Shade

The concert itself was beautiful.
It was the most beautiful live I have ever seen.
From all Siam Shade Live DVDs this was probably the one which had the best athmosphere..I felt like this because the Audience was so into it..seriously it was touching and impressive
at the same touching that Hideki couldn't even stand it..and fell to his knees kind of and started getting teary and crying. What did he say? Oh well he did say many valuable stuff
e.g 「絶対に命を捨てるようなことはするな!俺たちがステージに立った意義をくれ!頼む!」  ("Definitely don't throw away your life! Give us a reason why we decided to go on this stage! Please!" something like this?)
and 「絶望の後には希望しかない、前だけ見てろ」 (There is only hope after despair. Just look ahead")
Not to forget about the  "we are planning to do a dvd out of this...maybe" part


3. Why not?
4. LOVESICK~You Don't Know~
5. Destination Truth
7. Sin
8. Life
10. Virtuoso
11. Special Guitar solo medley..contained pretty much high, setsunasa yori mo tooku e, bloody train..and some more I can't remember
12. グレイシャルLOVE

20. Dear...
21. 曇りのち晴れ
22. 1/3の純情な感情
23. Dreams

25. Imagination
26. D.Z.I
27. Don't Tell Lies

Anyway I don't feel well talking about it right now...
All I can say is Hideki never sounded any better, Junji was awesome, Kazuma did some dance moves again and backflips, Daita was Daita and Natchin was just Natchin.

One video comes later

Sonntag, 18. September 2011

Hideki and the coke.

Don't know what to think about it.
I feel numb..thanks dear I seriously feel tired for non reason.
The only thing I am waiting for is...that's hes coming online again. I wonder if he will write a reply again..probably not but *sigh*
Actually it doesn't matter...but I have the feeling it's a moment of proper happiness if I get a mail by him.
It's like someone I like a lot, thought about me and put that much efforts to at least write a reply.
It's exciting even though it's a little bit surprising and shocking in the very beginning but then it turns into full happiness. Oh jesus..why am I so sleepy...all of a sudden..I should try to sleep as soon I finished the coffee...

Sonntag, 21. August 2011

what a rant

While others go outside to enjoy themself I am just sitting here and watch Animes recently.
Well honestly speaking...even if I have tons of chances to go outside to clubs etc..I don't want to.
The only people who would be able to successfully get me into such clubs would probably be my other people. But maybe it's no use...maybe clinging to them although I couldn't do anything with them in the last 2 years is bullshit..but idk my view on this world is too's not only music...i know going to a club etc means dancing..but I hate  it's stupid..I would only drink dozen of alcohol...
well usually people go also clubbing to meet up with people...get to know new people..enjoy themself...but having a big party with tons of foreign people is kinda...not attractive for me v_V

I thought of changing myself..but I am not really  able to do so...I am not able to leave everythingg behind to become a normal boring person who enjoys her life with mainstream shit...I have the strong belief that there is MORE than just this life...I want to experience something exciting and not something which I hate and won't make me enjoy myself...
Oh Well..

Mittwoch, 17. August 2011

Time is running and running

but nothing's really happening.
I am going to work, come back home, go to bed late, awake at lunchtime and go to work again.
And I am not even playing perfect world since I arrived here again 4 days ago. I don't feel the need and desire to play after I started to watch RAINBOW.
But although it has 26 episodes...I only managed 13 so far...and the desire to continue watching also disappeared after my dearest Anchan died in episode 12. It's like his death totally finished the series..or well let's say it finished one chapter...but the second chapter...I heard it should be rather happy..but how can it be happy without Anchan. How can I watch "happiness"when my favourite character died in the middle of the series. D: Well it looks like Mario has turned attractive after he got hair..but I wonder why they had to make Anchan the only bishi from episode 1-12...just after he died Mario and Joe turned into bishis with hair as well...but I wanted to see them together with Anchan like this...
Anchan, you are not a hero just because you died. I don't know why he had to die. I mean seriously..the function of his death for the plot..oh well maybe I will understand it when I continue watching it...

Mittwoch, 10. August 2011

The cute Chibi way lmao

That's how it is done in the chibi way. 
Somehow nothing to take serious. XDD

Montag, 8. August 2011

Plans...uhm uhm uhm!

A Siam Shade friend from Brazil just made me recognize last night that I will need a credit card for the vacation in Japan! Wow I am so stupid for forgetting about something so important. Oh well I probably also could have used my EC-card from Sparkasse...but after all this would probably turn more expensive XD
So after I tried to get information about credit cards in Germany..I have come to realize that I have no idea if I should go with comdirect or DKB! D:

Sucks sucks! /floor
Anyway..i think I will go with comdirect...or...DLB?! Oh man /blur

Freitag, 6. Mai 2011

Wenn hier nichts steht,

dann bedeutet das nur dass ich nichts zum meckern habe.
Gewöhnlich schreib ich ja nur dann wenn ich was zum aufregen habe, aber in dem Sinne hab ich aufgehört mich novellike aufzuregen.
Ist doch nur anstrengend für mich selbst.
Früher hätte ich das vllt gemacht..heute nicht mehr.
Es interessiert mich auch nich mehr, was Leute mit ihrem Leben tun, solange ich weiß was ich zu tun habe.
Allerdings fehlt mir aauch die Lust noch irgendwas spannnendes zu erleben.  Ich glaub ich bin wie meine Mutter. Froh wenn ich die Beine hochlegen kann..und mir nur noch denke: "Leckt mich doch alle am Arsch." XD

Heuute hab ich mal wieder für die faule Kuh von Azubine den Abwasch gemacht weil ich es einfach nur noch eklig finde wenn ihr dreckiges  geschirr in der küche tagelang steht und nur noch darauf wartet zu verschimmeln. Ja ich hab keine anderen Hobbies als abwaschen abends um halb 11.

Ansonsten ist der Alltag ziemlich kurz, was daran liegt dass ich 9-10 stunden mit schlafen verbringen. Schlafen ist einfach zu schön.
Ja und dann ca. 9 1/2 stunden auf arbeit..noch vor der schicht kaffee schlürfen mit kollegen und keks..
also hab ich dann hier zu hause so noch ca 3-4 stunden? Hmm ja kommt hin..abends so ungefähr 3 weil ich eh nich vor 1 ins bett gehe und morgens bzw mittags noch so 1 1/2. Aber da ich ja eh meist nichts zu tun habe reichts aus. Wenn ich allerdings einkaufen gehen muss, was ich mal wieder müsste eventuell..da wirds schon knapp wenn ich erst um 11 aufstehe. o_O
Naja single leben is aber ganz chillig...

Noch was? Hmm nein mir fällt grad nix ein.

Dienstag, 3. Mai 2011

Interesting meme..mmh hmkay xD

Bold what you have done:

1. had sex. (without intercourse because I changed my opinion when it was time for it LMAO)
2. bought condoms
3. gotten pregnant.
4. failed a class. (actually I didn't it but I decided to fail it by myself XD)
5. kissed a boy.
6. kissed a girl.

7. used a little paper bag for lunch.
8. had a job.
9. slipped on ice.
10. missed the school bus.
11. left the house without my wallet.
12. bullied someone on the internet.
13. sexted. (but not seriously lol)
14. had sex in public.
15. played on a sports team.
16. smoked weed.
17. smoked cigarettes.

18. smoked a cigar.
19. drank alcohol.
20. watched The Breakfast Club
21. been overweight.
22. been underweight.
23. had an eating disorder
24. been to a wedding.
25. made fun of someone for being fat.
26. been on the computer for 5 hours straight. (don't guess so..coz humans have desires like going to the toilet xD)
27. watched TV for 5 hours straight.
28. been late for work.
29. been late for school.

30. kissed in the rain.
31. showered with someone else. (but it wasn't erotic or anything xD)
32. failed my drivers test. (GAAAAAAAH BAD MEMORY! D:)
33. ran a mile in less than 10 minutes.
34. been outside my home country.
35. been on a road trip longer than 5 hours.

36. had lice. (when I was at elementary school XD)
37. gotten my heart broken.
38. had a credit card.
39. been to a professional sports game.
40. broken a bone.
41. been unhappy about my weight.
42. won a trophy.
43. cut myself. (out of fun coz I wanted a nice text on my arm o_o)
44. had an STD.
45. got engaged.
46. been on a diet.
47. tried out to be on a TV show.
48. rode in a taxi.
49. been to prom. (to my cousins and friends one xD)
50. played a drinking game.
51. stayed up for 24 hours or more.
52. been to a concert.
53. had a three-some.
54. had a crush on someone of the same sex.
55. been in a car accident.
56. had braces.
57. learned another language
58. killed an animal. (mosquitos, spiders and all that shit I am afraid of xD)
59. been at a yard sale.
60. been to a japanese steakhouse.
61. wore make up.
62. talked to someone via webcam.
63. lost my virginity before I was 16.  (lol no! :D)
64. had my wisdom teeth taken out.
65. kissed someone a different race than myself. (does austrian count? XDDDD)
66. snuck out of the house.
67. bought porn.
68. had a virus on my computer.
69. had oral sex.
70. dyed my hair.
71. gone skinny dipping.
72. graduated from college.
73. wore someone else’s clothes.
74. voted in a presidential election.
75. rode in an ambulance.
76. rode in a helicopter.
77. caught the stove on fire.
78. got in a fight.
79. met someone famous. (but soon..LOL LOL LOL)
80. been on vacation.
81. been on an airplane.
82. been on a boat.

83. broken something expensive.
84. had surgery.
85. kissed someone before I was 14.
86. beat a video game.
87. found something valuable on the ground.
88. made a survey.
89. stalked someone on facebook/myspace.
90. prank called someone.

91. been to a library outside of school.
92. spent over $100 shopping in one day.
93. cut my hair and hated it.
94. peed outside.
95. went fishing.
96. helped with charity.

97. taken a pregnancy test.
98. been rejected by a crush.
99. been suspended from school. (because I wanted to anyway. XDDDD)
100. broken a mirror.

Freitag, 29. April 2011

Coz I was tagged by Drecki

Actually I am not in the mood for a meme...the answers show that very well..>_>
1. List five things you can see without moving:
- a body lotion
- my tv
. my cellphone
- my digicam
- an empty yoghurt with a spoon inside

2. How do you style your hair?

I just brush it down. Nothing like hair spray or something. Yeah sounds boring but I am fine with that

3. Arthur or Merlin?

4. Sexiest man alive?
Yeah who I wonder...I don't care for sexiness...

5. What are you wearing right now?
A jogging trousers, a shirt...underwear..

6. What's your favourite guilty pleasure treat?

Showing my true ugly self. What I mean is...being able to show my real self is good. But I can only show it when I know that no one will be bothered by it...

7. What are you thinking about right now?

8. Dog person or cat person?
Dog person but somehow I have also become a cat person lately..dont know...but probably rather dog person

9.Write the first word that comes to mind.

Eis, Nebel, Tod

10. Where do you see yourself in five minutes?
At the same place and being frustrated

11. A project you want to finish? Just one? Short term or long term?
Apprenticeship and on shortterm...several books

12. What are you doing tomorrow?
going by train from 8.18 am till 10.33 to my island
working from 1pm till 9.45pm

13. How are you? Truly?

14. If you could afford to go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Right Japan and to the Siam Shade live

15. What are you looking forward to the most?
Nothing. It's long time ago since I was looking forward to something.

16. Last thing you did?
Smoked a cigarette

17. If you could play any musical instrument, which one would you play?

Hmm..probably the guitar

18. What's your occupation?
Deciding on the daily life of old people

19. Which word do you use at most?
Don't know right now...

Not tagging anyone..hmm

Donnerstag, 28. April 2011


『今回しばらくの間、SIAM SHADEをやることにしました。』 栄喜

Sonntag, 17. April 2011

Life bores me and at the same time it bothers me.

Even so, I won't write down anymore what bothers me in real life because writing it down doesn't change anything in particular, but makes it worse.

If I put it in general, it comes out like the first statement.
Anything else which doesn't bother me, just bores me.
Speaking of hobbies, I don't really know anymore what kind of stuff has a meaning to me recently.
Actually there is nothing significant..not even music.
Well well..maybe I should read the end of that chapter and then just go to bed.

Freitag, 25. März 2011

Oh man

I am seriously lost for what I can continue using my livejournal.
Well personal things etc o.o
But recently I also started using tumblr for stupid simple stuff I would usually spam my lj for example...oh wait
In this entry I won't write down his name. It feels like my online world spins around him..and no one else but him..while in my real life
he doesn't even seem to exist except for the music...I mean...I dont talk about him in real life coz there is no one with whom I could talk about him. Well in the end there is need...ooh anyway
I was talking about tumblr right o.o
Well I do not have many friends there yet so if you have a tumblr..feel free to add me -> :DD

Also what I wonder lately is...why I had to remove myself from some of my important fandom online friends. Well basically it's those I have got to know via livejournal.

But I seriously can't like it...IT...I won't say what I mean coz this IT has several meanings.
In fact I have changed as well. It's not like I have changed on a grand scale coz in the end I am still the same. All I have to say heart was never capable to fangirl about more than one band and more than one person at the same time. So this is the result. And in those times when I was in a realtionship I wasn't able to fangirl at all. For others it sound weird but I can't fake it when I don't feel anything. So I prefer staying true to my heart and myself.

Anything else left for now? don't think so o.o

Samstag, 12. März 2011

It's been awhile!

Well I didn't finish the one week meme..coz something bad happened at work on the next day. But it's okay now I think... the meanwhile a lot of things happened as well.

Actually good ones but of course also bad ones.
But all things have something in common. They all seem so unreal to me. Both seem unreal.
The good one well...I lost bad conscience I got one year ago..and was able to did something I have never dreamt of. Got 3 message replies by my dearest Hideki <3  
Well it was basically a bad topic we talked about but in the last mail he was so kind..I thought I am exploding. Though I still don't get why he did it.
Anyway after that I didn't get any respond anymore..well bad timing I thought as well..coz like 36 hours later
the horrible thing in Japan occured. Well I won't write down my feelings about it here anymore.
My flist and everyone on twitter..etc said enough about it. I just's no use...after all nature is superior.

Well today I had to work like 10 hours coz I had to went to a vocational training..which was..well not so useful.
And then..yesterday when the horrible thing in Japan occured I also got the sad news that my 4 days off shrinked to 3..which sucks a lot..but I can't do anything about it.
Tomorrow night Counti will visit me at home till wednesday..I have never met counti yet although we are online buddys for 4-5 years already o.o
Anyway...I do not know what to talk about anymore xD

Montag, 28. Februar 2011

A Week in the Life of Doci, Volume 3 - Sunday

Ah even more boring day..sorry xD didn't even take many photos...hmm or even interesting ones..coz I feel the best when I am just lying around after work. Unfortunately I am not able to sleep well here....It's not insomnia..but it's close to it maybe..although I don't know why..uhm

Ate ramen today..and noticed they are quite digestive...and make my tummy hurt for some seconds...horrible...

but I wonder what ingredients cause that pain and digestive effect.....
I wondered about that uhm...

Also had a shower again...

 also cleaned my keyboard in the afternoon..well work was so stressful today..since I lack at sleep and also got annoyed at work due to several incidents..and it made me agressive I had to do the dusting in my room and clean one of my windows etc to get rid of that agression o_O
but somehow I didnt clean the keyboard properly..coz I got tired of it..well just do it every day a little bit and then it might work out eventually

You can totally see what button I press often and which nit at at all. Also interesting is the space key....seems like even there I have spots I press more often than others..XD

Also I did....

Relaxing...since my feet hurt all day long till I have to go to work again the next morning...>___>
but second toes next to the big ones are also bigger O__O scary...
and yes I know my feet are pale and look quite manly..I wouldnt be able to wear tight woman shoes xD

and oh..of course just drinking coffee again...important! XD

Maybe tomorrow if I am not so tired I am able to get my ass 50 meter north directly in front of my workplace to take some pics of the baltic sea...yeah its directly in front of my but  I have no efforts to go there coz my home is the opposite direction XD

Ok that's all..will watch one more episode code geass oô

Sonntag, 27. Februar 2011

A Week in the Life of Doci, Volume 2 - Saturday

Apart from other people I had to work yesterday (Saturday) and also have to work
my day was kinda boring in pictures and I also forgot to take my digicam to my workplace coz I wanted to take a pic of my locker xD
Well I will try not to forget it today...
so what I did is...

Got up at 5.20am..actually I only slept 1 1/2 hours or something but then my radio alarm clock turned on...well it didn't really woke me up..until the song on that radio channel was over and some polish people started talking..all of a sudden I opened my eyes and was like "WTF NOT AGAIN A POLISH CHANNEL!" Well if you search for radio channels you usually don't know if it's a german or polish one when the songs are famous ones...but waking up with some polish people talking you don't understand at all is a that's it.
Drank a coffee in my bed and went to work with my collegue who has her room next to mine...well we don't work in the same building but since we have the same way and the same shift we went together there at 6am.
Today our cat at work the first thing I did was cleaning that..coz my other collegues were disgusted by that and almost vomitted themself next to it with the thought they had to clean it...lmao
It's funny coz they are handling with fecals every day but can't wipe off puke. XD
Okay after work was over at 3.15pm I went to NETTO (discounter supermarket) to buy some important food...yeah

What you call important..not really...but I had to buy bread, milk for my coffee, my favourite meat of 2010 (the krustenbraten!!) and..well anything else is wasted stuff I only enjoy eating to get fat Haha xDD oh and something to drink..but well..

Then I went to bed at 5pm coz I was so tired (before I noticed how long my finger and toe nails I cut them)..Woke up again at 10pm

Ate some bread with my top meat of 2010 XD

while watching DSDS (like the german version of american idol)

 with Patrick Nuo..mmmh..XD nice stripes with digicam lol

also went out in front of my house door several times to smoke a cigarette

and oh today at work I hurt was bleeding a lot!! D: well that's a lie..but it hurt a lot xD

Anyway....boring day isn't it? So now I will maybe watch 1 or 2 episodes of Code Geass and then sleep for 3 more hours coz sunday means..early shift as well dumdumdum XD

Samstag, 26. Februar 2011

A Week in the Life of Doci, Volume 1 - Friday

Starting the 1 week meme..well its a challenge coz my week will be boring coz I have to work for 7 days in row now till next friday *coughs*

BE PREPARED. I AM A BORING PERSON with a boring life! XD
So I was starting..well its rather from last night before I went to bed but it was after midnight and I just went to bed at 5am or something so...

I was enjoying nice chocolate while watching tegami bachi reverse episode 19 + 20. XD

and then somehow I chatted till 5am and went to bed.. o_O
Woke up at ..I think 2.30pm something..

Yeah I know I am a messy girl XDD

Then I enjoyed a tuna pizza in my bed at 3.30pm or something

Actually I also ate that last piece but only after eating the rest I noticed: Hell, you wanted to take a photo of your pizza xDDD

Then at 5pm I also had some spagetti my mum made with cinnamon and sugar..and then my mum took me to the train station at 6pm coz I have early shift tomorrow. I played golden sun for 2 hours till I arrived at 8.45pm on my island and also in my plain room XD

After arranging my luggage I went for a shower right away o.o

My feet look weird somehow o.o Its because I wore tight socks..lool Thrombosis-Prophylaxis NOT! XD

And after having a short talk and 2 cigarettes with my collegue who is living in the room next to mine ( we also share the kitchen which has no microwave or oven)  I made myself a coffee...and ate that delicious yoghurt xD

and then somewhen at 10pm I have started watching Code Geass.

Well actually I would say its not that epic..At least it's not that epic so far. It's hard for me to follow all the gudam thingy attacks and orders. In English it's even harder to understand..but in the end it's not important I guess coz I see what they do anyway...just SHOOT DAMNIT
Can't it be that easy like in Tegami Bachi??  シンダン装填!!

And now I wonder if I should go to bed although I need to get up in 5 hours anway or go to bed and will be hell tired when I have to get up o_O
Since I can't get sleepy at work coz I am busy all the time it doesn't matter...It's rather a question of health...
I do this often..either sleeping not at all for more than 24hours or sleep for like 12 and more hours. I read that people who sleep too much or too less will die earlier o.o But well...what means time...

Freitag, 25. Februar 2011


DAY 1: Ten things about you
DAY 2: Ten things you love
DAY 3: Ten things you hate
DAY 4: Ten things you want to say to one person
DAY 5: Ten wishes
DAY 6: Ten items you can’t live without
DAY 7: Ten important people
DAY 8: Ten of your favorite songs
DAY 9: Ten ways to win your heart

DAY 10: Final 10 words

1. I
2. DO
3. NOT
6. YOU
9 ME
10. HMKAY?

okay the 10th word was..just a filler xD
I think I will start the 10days meme like Vanü and Rami o.o It's a challenge for my boring life xD

Donnerstag, 24. Februar 2011


DAY 1: Ten things about you
DAY 2: Ten things you love
DAY 3: Ten things you hate
DAY 4: Ten things you want to say to one person
DAY 5: Ten wishes
DAY 6: Ten items you can’t live without
DAY 7: Ten important people
DAY 8: Ten of your favorite songs

DAY 9: Ten ways to win your heart
DAY 10: Final 10 words

1. Cook something I love for me o.o (for example: Pudding)
2. If you have the singing voice I love and look like that person (which is both impossible) you already have my heart xD
3. Give me a massage o.o I know it hurts me coz It's rare I get one but in the end it feel nice so..good way maybe xD
4. Do anything in household for me I suck cooking, cleaning the bathroom o_O
5. Buy chocolate for me xD
6. I appreciate people who listen to what I have to say..though in this world it seems to have become rare oO;
7.  Try to read my's not really difficult to realize what mood I am in when I am online.  No smiley means = Doci is rather in a serious, moody mood. :O Then I am glad if you leave me alone and don't bother me with your problems.
8. I don't mind if you have a different opinion than I do but please have proper arguments so I can at least understand your opinion. I hate such people who can't even explain their own opinion properly...
9. Don't just write to me when you need something from me. I hate that. If you are a real friend you can talk to me just to ask things like how have I been, can't you? It makes me happy if people think of me although we weren't in contact for a while.
10. Be honest to yourself and don't act as if you are someone else..

Montag, 21. Februar 2011


DAY 1: Ten things about you
DAY 2: Ten things you love
DAY 3: Ten things you hate
DAY 4: Ten things you want to say to one person
DAY 5: Ten wishes
DAY 6: Ten items you can’t live without
DAY 7: Ten important people

DAY 8: Ten of your favorite songs
DAY 9: Ten ways to win your heart
DAY 10: Final 10 words

1. Nishikido Ryo - half down
3. Kanjani8 - Rolling Coaster
4. SIAM SHADE - Bloody train
5. DETROX - flashback
6. HIDEKI - tomo yo
7. Kanjani8 - PUZZLE
8. DIR EN GREY - the final (it's nostagic o.o)
9. Yutaka Ozaki - Boku ga Boku de Aru Tame ni (it somehow became one of my favourites maybe o.O)
10. WANDS - Sekai ga owaru made wa...

There are probably a lot missing..if I think of western's tough..XDD coz I have many english songs I love to listen to as well o.o
You see any pattern in my favourite tracklist? Well..yeah I cheated 4 of 10 songs have Hideki's voice but I can't change it LMAO


DAY 1: Ten things about you
DAY 2: Ten things you love
DAY 3: Ten things you hate
DAY 4: Ten things you want to say to one person
DAY 5: Ten wishes

DAY 6: Ten items you can’t live without
DAY 7: Ten important people
DAY 8: Ten of your favorite songs
DAY 9: Ten ways to win your heart
DAY 10: Final 10 words

1. My mum
2. My brother
3. My sister
4. My cousin (I have at least one I can't live without)
5. Hideki (yes ö__ö he gives meaning to my life as well XD)
6. My niece (actually all 3 of them :P)
7. Ha-chan (at least my internet life would be senseless. I never had a online life without her so it would be meaningless life)
8. My stepsis (as well xD)
9. My friends (well at least the ones I am close with and heres not enough space to write their names down XD)
10. My Siam Shade buddies (coz without them fandom would be dead like hell XD)


DAY 1: Ten things about you
DAY 2: Ten things you love
DAY 3: Ten things you hate
DAY 4: Ten things you want to say to one person
DAY 5: Ten wishes

DAY 6: Ten items you can’t live without
DAY 7: Ten important people
DAY 8: Ten of your favorite songs
DAY 9: Ten ways to win your heart
DAY 10: Final 10 words

1. My laptop
2. Coffee
3. Music
4. Sleep
5. My love <3
6. TV (although there is only shit on XD)
7. Creative people who produce creative stuff like books, mangas, animes, movies, series in general
8. microwave!! what a nice invention *_*
9. Food and water..well I hate water but it's necessary for ones life? XD
10. Motivation (otherwise Life won't make sense?)

Crap I have to do it quicker xD at least DAY 7 now as well.

Freitag, 18. Februar 2011


DAY 1: Ten things about you
DAY 2: Ten things you love
DAY 3: Ten things you hate
DAY 4: Ten things you want to say to one person

DAY 5: Ten wishes
DAY 6: Ten items you can’t live without
DAY 7: Ten important people
DAY 8: Ten of your favorite songs
DAY 9: Ten ways to win your heart
DAY 10: Final 10 words

1. Getting along well with my collegues and do everything right >__<
2. Getting the fucking driver licence so that this nightmare comes to an end
3. A SIAM SHADE REUNION <3 <3 <3 but that wish probably will never come true...tze
4. Seeing Hideki at least once in my life live on stage oô
5. Surviving the next 2 1/2 years as well
6. Stay healthy
7. Hope my family stays healthy as well
8. Having less stress and air to breathe (which is probably not possible unless I give up everything XD)
9. Money? Well money is always useful ..LOL
10. Sex with Hideki I don't know any more wishes o__o;

Donnerstag, 17. Februar 2011


DAY 1: Ten things about you
DAY 2: Ten things you love
DAY 3: Ten things you hate
DAY 4: Ten things you want to say to one person
DAY 5: Ten wishes
DAY 6: Ten items you can’t live without
DAY 7: Ten important people
DAY 8: Ten of your favorite songs
DAY 9: Ten ways to win your heart
DAY 10: Final 10 words

10 Things to one person only? Really hard isn't it..let's see. XD
  1. Thanks for being there for me when I am down..although I know you don't realize that I am glad that you are there for me.
  2. Sometimes it makes me sad though that you ignore me
  3. Thanks for always making me laugh with your words
  4. I wonder what I am for you? Am I something special for you? I don't think so but that's okay.
  5. Don't you sometimes feel tired about your life and lifestyle? But then again..I am not much that different from you.
  6. I want that your wish comes true although I don't know what your dream is and where are you heading to.
  7. I don't want to lose you, coz you are so precious to me. 
  8. I sometimes hate how you are so ridiculous and stubborn although I admire that you go your own way without being scared of failing.
  9. I wonder what my life would look like if I didn't meet you.. but probably it would be the same because there would be someone else as your replacement? However..I don't want to imagine and as long as you are doesn't even make sense.
  10. Keep going your own way and I will follow.
Jesus, is it obvious who I mean? I don't think so but it's good like this. :D
And no I won't allow should stay a secret.

Mittwoch, 16. Februar 2011


DAY 1: Ten things about you
DAY 2: Ten things you love
DAY 3: Ten things you hate
DAY 4: Ten things you want to say to one person
DAY 5: Ten wishes
DAY 6: Ten items you can’t live without
DAY 7: Ten important people
DAY 8: Ten of your favorite songs
DAY 9: Ten ways to win your heart
DAY 10: Final 10 words
  1. Spiders
  2. Licorice
  3. malicious gossip
  4. getting ignored
  5. too less sleep
  6. driving
  7. german assi tv
  8. sometimes my mum coz she never encouraged me once in my life with stuff like "You will make it!" instead it was discouraging
  9. my messiness I am not able to keep my room clean. It always looks horrible after some days..or hours...
  10. the unknown future

Dienstag, 15. Februar 2011


DAY 1: Ten things about you
DAY 2: Ten things you love
DAY 3: Ten things you hate
DAY 4: Ten things you want to say to one person
DAY 5: Ten wishes
DAY 6: Ten items you can’t live without
DAY 7: Ten important people
DAY 8: Ten of your favorite songs
DAY 9: Ten ways to win your heart
DAY 10: Final 10 words
  1. Siam Shade (I think it's the one thing I love the most xD sounds sad but I just love them too much)
  2. My family (even though they can be disturbing sometimes)
  3. Japanese (Though I think I won't ever be able to understand it perfectly XDD)
  4. Coffee (I can't explain but I drink it like water...but it has no effect on me anymore uhm XD)
  5. Translating (I don't makes me feel happy after finishing another entry again. It's like I have done something I can be proud of) 
  6. Listening to Music (Especially to catchy and nostalgic music. Doesn't matter which genre when I have a memory with right now..BAILAMOOOOOS XDDD
  7. Sleeping (well depends sometimes I dont want to sleep coz I consider it a waste...but well o.O)
  8. Watching and reading anime/manga/doramas o_o etc...though I am biased lately towards anime/manga
  9. Relaxing (coz the world is too busy..we need to chill more in life XD)
  10. Saving money. (I like to see how it grows and grows o.o)

Montag, 14. Februar 2011


Von Vanü geklaut XD

DAY 1: Ten things about you
DAY 2: Ten things you love
DAY 3: Ten things you hate
DAY 4: Ten things you want to say to one person
DAY 5: Ten wishes
DAY 6: Ten items you can’t live without
DAY 7: Ten important people
DAY 8: Ten of your favorite songs
DAY 9: Ten ways to win your heart
DAY 10: Final 10 words

  1. I have a weird scar close to my calf. Well I have that one since I was a child but I everytime I see it I wonder when and why I got it. Seriously don't know.
  2. I have a hard obsession with beautiful japanese middle-aged vocalists (I don't need to give my personal two examples here? XD Well they are both 0-Types..which makes it even worse XD)
  3. My japanese is horrible. I just act as if I am could do it. Unfortunately people think I can..but I know it better.. o.o
  4. I love running around with only wearing one sock at home or none at all o.o
  5. I don't really know what it feels like to be lonely coz I like being alone and not getting bothered.
  6. I drink too much coffee and smoke too many cigarettes. I wonder if I can get rid of these drugs someday. Well at least getting rid of the cigarettes would be good.
  7. I can't imagine getting myself piercings or tattoos. I can't even wear earrings or necklaces anymore. When I was a child I wore earrings but actually imagining those again makes me feel all uneasy. o_O Though rings would be fine but I don't wear any. I am too
  8. My teeth are my biggest foes.
  9. I used to play handball in a club many many years ago..for hmm 7 years.
  10. When I was a child I wanted to become a doctor XD Well at least I got myself a DOCTOR alike nick years later..*cough*

Sonntag, 13. Februar 2011

It's cold

..but sometimes I also have to let fresh air into my room.
It's probably just extremely cold because this idiot downstairs has opened the window too.
Feeling such fresh cold air on my skin...doesn't feel nice though..

Since I have started reading and watching a particular type of series again...I don't know why...but it makes me feel frustrated afterwards.
Actually, you should enjoy it...but somehow it has a totally different effect on me.
It's not like that I wonder if I go the right path in my life..or such's rather like..there is just one thing missing the whole world desires for anyway. But even so in my life it doesn't exist. It's not really frustrating me like that coz I wouldn't have time for a lover anyway but in all these series and blah..they always make it look like as if it was the ultimate...It's good enough for me to follow those fairytales but also those stories come to an end and then I don't have anything left except starting to read something new..while in my real world there is not even something similar to that. o__o
This makes me wonder if I had such an own fairy tale in RL I would stop reading other fairy tales. It's like an addiction..after finishing something you feel so empty you can't bear that it's over so you have to pick the next one.
Well well don't bother with that's just stupid nonsense I am writing at 7am.

I think I am going to sleep now o.o

Freitag, 11. Februar 2011

今もこみ上げるのは 涙という名の愛しさ

I am so used to that voice..for some reason it feels imagine..
how I would think of this voice if I had another chance to hear it for the first time again.
That's because...I can't imagine what I thought in particular when I heard it for the first time.
I don't remember the moment either.
It seems so important to me right now..what I thought back then..coz I don't have the chance to experience it again.

It's like when you fall in are excited..get to know this person more and more..different sides..but then you get used to it..think like you know everything. The love doesn't vanish but it feels like..there is nothing left anymore which surprises you. It's know how the person will react in certain situations...but you are fine with can't change it..but it doesn't bother you..coz you love the person the way he/she is.

Yes in fact, I have a serious and long very well going relationship with Hideki's voice. That's the point. lol
Actually I intended to stay serious and shut up about it..but it just sounds too I couldn't. XD

This thoughts just came up when I listened to tomo yo. It felt like..well..a simple song with so much meaning and emotion inside. It made me think about some that's actually the only song which is totally different..the pitch of his voice is sounds gentler but also rougher..and deeper.
Oh well interesting what thoughts can come to my mind just by listening to one song.

Mittwoch, 9. Februar 2011


1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
4. Tag 25 friends.
5. Everyone tagged has to do the same thing.
6. Have Fun!


ZOMBOID (Dír en grey)  ..ooh lol stupid, invert, dull okay XDD

LOVESICK~You Don’t Know~ (SIAM SHADE)  oh yes! *__* XDD

極東より愛を込めて(Spread Love From the Far East) - BUCK-TICK ..which means I only like people from the far east? XDD

ギガマジメ我ファイト(GIGA MAJIME WAGA FIGHT) - 関ジャニ∞ I guess good? XD though I am

芽(sprout) - NICO touches the walls   Sprouting is my purpose? XD well gather experiences maybe



白の呪文 (white charm) - doa      I dont think my mum thinks that I am pure o.o

PARAISO - 錦戸亮 & ジミーMacky   new to me that I think of the paradise xD

WHAT IS 2 + 2?

So bad boys (Hideki)   RIGHT HIDEKI!!!! they are all bad boys xDD because only hideki understands my feelings lool

FILTH (Dir en grey)   I almost..spilled my coffee when I read that xDDD

DREAM or TRUTH - BUCK-TICK  hell right you never know if its true or just a dream

錆びてきた(have become rusty) - NICO touches the walls   LOOL right xD

Butterfly (和田光司)    yeees kouji wada knows what I feel too XD

Pulse/AwakE (404 NOT FOUND)

HURRY UP MODE (Buck-tick)   *lmao* XD

RAIN (SIAM SHADE) yeah rain is nice isnt it <__>

Märchen - Sakurai Atsushi  yeah right sakurai. I am afraid of fairy tales xD

HOOLIGAN (DETROX)  yes didnt you know yet that I am one? XD

A silent letter - L'arc en ciel   (Yeah preferably my blood type card xD

TIME's (SIAM SHADE)   Time's loneliness~~~ yeah time is running fast isnt it..

Bottom of the death valley (DIR EN GREY)  D: see the pattern lol

LOVE (SIAM SHADE)  yes love is regretable isnt it xD

DNA (Hideki)  my dna makes me love? well technically its probably the reason why I like laughing about things others dont xD

あなた(You) - L'arc en ciel   YES!!! YOUUU whoever is reading this xxDDD

裏切りのない世界まで(Until there is a world without betrayal) - RAYFLOWER   this means I wont marry I guess? XDDD

My baby Japanese - BUCK-TICK  yes I am afraid of my own japanese xDDDD

蘭鋳(Ranchuu) - ムック  a ranchuu likes me? a goldfish? XD good to know

UMBRELLA - BUCK-TICK  true..I was always annoyed by my ugly umrellas

Happy?  - SIAM SHADE    so i guess nothing hurts xDD

大阪レイニーブルース(Osaka Rainy Blues) - 関ジャニ∞  okay! ö_Ö

Mittwoch, 2. Februar 2011


Wieso gibt es so viele Dinge, die die Masse liebt und ich verabscheue?
Verabscheue ich sie weil ich sie wirklich verabscheue oder nur weil ich nicht mit dem Strom schwimmen will.
Gut das wollte ich noch nie aber ich hab immer versucht mir eine eigene Meinung über Dinge zu bilden.
Letztendlich jedoch spreche ich selten meine Meinungen im wirklichen Leben aus, weil ich genau weiß, dass ich mit einigen dieser Meinungen allein wäre.
Online jedoch schrecke ich nich davor zurück meine Meinungen kundzugeben. Nein, ich denke nich dass es was damit zu tun hat, dass ich hier sicher bin...ich denke nur einfach, dass die Leute, die ich kenne und schätze mehr daran interessiert sind als die Leute, für die ich mich selbst nicht interessiere.
Sogesehen mag ich für die meisten Menschen in meinem Umfeld langweilig wirken, aber...das liegt nur daran dass ich mein wahres Ich nicht zeigen kann und möchte. Leute, die ich mag kriegen es zu sehen, andere nicht. Es reicht wenn ich mich vor Freunden lächerlich mache und nicht vor meiner ganzen Umwelt.

Über Dinge, die ich zur Zeit im realen Leben mache, rede ich nicht viel. Warum auch. Ich erinnere mich an eine Zeit wo Schule Thema Nummer 1 war und der damit verbundene Kummer mich halb zerfraß. In dem Sinne hab ich mich stark verändert..vllt liegts daran, dass ich bisher nur top Noten bekomme/bekommen habe, was nicht heißt dass es weniger stressig Großen und Ganzen ist der Alltag viel stressiger geworden. Schlafmangel gehört zum Alltag und dennoch hab ich Einschlafprobleme.
Zur Zeit ist es besser weil ich meist nur 10 Stunden pro Tag unterwegs bin. In der Regel wären es 12. Und in die restlichen 12 versuchte ich die letzten 3 Wochen immer Schlaf, Hausaufgaben und Freizeit zu stopfen. Die meiste Zeit investiere ich jedoch lieber in Freizeit als mit Schlaf, weil ich den Gedanken nicht ertragen kann tagein tagaus nur zur Schule zu gehen und dann zu wieder aufzustehen und zur Schule zu fahren. Wie gut, dass ich ab Freitag 2 Wochen Urlaub habe. Ich glaub ich brauch das ist schon 7 Monate her seitdem ich mehr als 4 Tage am Stück frei hatte..hmm...aber irgendwie bin ich motivierter geworden viel motivierter.

Und sonst privat...eigentlich keine Veränderungen..immer noch glücklicher Single, der auf makeup verzichtet und jeden tag wie ein schlafloser Zombie umherirrt. Die meiste Zeit verbringe ich mit Ü Grunde isses das was meine gute Laune aufrecht erhält..bzw aufrecht erhalten hat, denn seit heute bin ich etwas mies auf eine gewisse Person zu sprechen.

Was ich heute genossen habe, ist das Schlürfen eines Milchkaffees in der Cafeteria im Krankenhaus im Beisammensein von Klassenkameraden meines Alters. Das war entspannend...denn zugegeben benehmen sich die anderen ihrem Alter entsprechend unreif und so länger der Tag wird desto aufgedrehter und frecher werden sie. Wie ein Kindergarten. Das kann einem ganz schön auf die Nerven gehen, wenn man unter Schlafmangel leidet und sie ständig die Autorität (den Lehrer) respektlos behandeln. Manchmal hab ich das Gefühl dass sie den falschen Beruf wählen. Aber gut, vllt wandelt sich da ja noch was.

So..mehr hab ich grad erstmal nicht zu erzählen o_o

Samstag, 15. Januar 2011

So erstmal nachträglich Weihnachtsgeschenke gekauft!! XDDDDD

*blöd rumhops* Ich muss alles nur noch auspacken aber ich bin zu faul XDDDD

Montag, 3. Januar 2011

No title

Sorry guys, if you are de-friended anywhere by me lately it's not something personal at all. It's just that I am so annoyed by that shit lately that
I need to breathe. I am getting more and more annoyed by it everyday and can't stop showing my annoyance online regarding this topic, so I need to take this harsh step till It's getting better again.
I don't care anymore if you understand it or not but those who are the de-friended ones (not in lj cause lj is dead anyway) don't understand it anyway. No matter what I say it just turns out as blahblahblah and they are not able to understand it but you know I don't understand them either. It's not that I am attacking right now because I am butthurt but that's the main reason I show my annoyance. I simply can't understand how people all reach that one point and people like me are left behind coz neither I find those people attractive at all nor I like the music.
But you know in the last years I lost to appreciate humans in general. there are too many people around me who annoy me. I hate their...well...messy, serious or just strange personalities. But maybe I am the same? maybe people hate to bother me or chat with me coz they know I am annoyed by them anyway? Well I don't mind if they dont talk to me coz most of the time I really am annoyed. my life is stressful and will continue being stressful for the next 3 know I am annoyed by having too less freetime or lets rather say freetime to sleep properly...but then I hav to set priorities...sleep or freetime...I usually go with the freetime

Anyway I am heading home in some minutes..for either 5 weeks or 7weeks don't know yet. Fucking school is waiting for me...eeew
so lets sum i had work from 6.30am till 3.15pm my train goes at 5.24pm..I will be home at 7.41pm and tomorrow is school so I have to get up at 5am the latest. how nice...