Samstag, 31. Dezember 2011


I feel like....

Seriously I already have the feeling I will fail a lot at my new year's resolutions.
I got that feeling just 2 hours ago. Gentleness is what makes me already feel like this.
And in such situations, I always wonder if I am really such a horrible person or if it's only because he is such a "GUTMENSCH". I can't really tell..but at any rate it makes me feel awful.
I am good at hurting other people in order not to get hurt..but in the end I always have to deal with the consequences. Well, usually I don't even see that my actions could hurt others in the very first place, because I feel safe. But then, out of the blue, bad luck is being my friend and destroys my favourite moments in life. Maybe it was just an awful year.
At any rate it was a year, which could be described a quite bitter, painful but also pretty and beautiful year.
If you think about it that the most horrible event this year caused one of the most beautiful events in my life, it's pretty ironic...or maybe even macabre.
But I also wonder why something so dramatic has to happen to make my favourite band unite.
It's pretty tough to think about....dozens of people had to die
to make these 5 people come make me see make me see him as well.
It's probably better not to think about it at all.

But you know, no day passes without me blaming myself.
I wonder if some things would be different now if I hadn't done this and that.
That's what you call regretting - yes.
Actually in my life I didn't regret that much yet - but this I am regretting a lot.
But that's the Internet. People act without thinking. Why should they? It's not like it has auchbig effects on real life anyway. Well that's true...but losing something important is painful after all.
And it doesn't matter at all if it's the Internet or real life. People are connected.
But so...I probably have another view on the Internet than people who are 20 years older or 10 years younger than myself. I guess older people take it more serious while younger don't at all.
But that's something I didn't consider at all. Maybe generation gaps are tough. Understanding each other is tough. I already have a tough time understanding teenagers these days.
But probably from the viewpoint of 40+ people, my way of writing and dealing with stuff looks also childish?
Well I don't really know.
Actually when a almost 40year old man says to you: "You need to become calmer" it's already the moment when you think: "Already old experienced and wise enough to say something like this, huh."
It's when you feel...this generation gap, which isn't bad because you only learn by older people how to become a better person. Sometimes the way they act is not understandable though but who knows...maybe I will also say only nice things about others....but I would lie to myself if I said something which isn't the truth.
And what's about the "this time". Did you expect there to be a "next time"?
Well now there is no reason anymore for a next time. But why do we always need reasons to go somewhere? Why can't we just go to look at foreign places we don't know. Usually when people ask you why you go to XY place for vacation, they won't be satisfied if you just say: "Just because I want to see the environment." I don't know what arguments they wanna hear. If you don't wanna go there, if you can't imagine to go there, don't even think that I will give you arguments so that you maybe consider going there as well. People's interests are so different...
It's not like I am asking  people why do they go to turkey, although I can't understand it either. But there must be something because many people in Germany love to fly there. o.o

But at any rate, I will stop thinking about being special. I know I am, because every human is something special. Bright and dark sides. No one is perfect but somehow there are these kind of people who seem perfect. But usually these people are boring I think.
I rather prefer these kind of untransparent people. It's interesting if they always have something hidden...
On the other hand, I am annoyed by these kind of people, who talk too much about their whole life. But  I am also annoyed by those people who seem like hiding everything and don't open their heart at all.
You can't understand people's opinions and thoughts if you don't know their background.


Oh today is new year's eve...already 6am..I should sleep some hours...otherwise I might miss my train....
Good night.

Freitag, 30. Dezember 2011




Guten Morgen Sternenglanz!! Nein, ich mein nich Hideki, den Arschkeks

Gestern Abend erstmal schön Willy geguckt. Ach is so toll...ich hätt ihn uch geheiratet wenn seine Frisur nich so mies wäre. ö__ö
Und ach Hideki hat heute nix geschrieben..der olle Pimmel. Wehmut~~~
Aber ach eigentlich...

denn heute Abend ist mein phänomenaler Auftritt!
Übrigens hab ich mich vorhin erschrocken weil ich im Schrank mein tolliges Siam Shade Konzert Ticket gefunden habe!

Dammdammdammdamm!! BAUMSTAMM!
Wenn der Herr mal wenigstens einen Baumstamm gegen den Kopf bekommen hätte, wäre er vllt jetzt bei Besinnung und wir hätten ne ganz andere Beziehung! Nein, ich werde noch Vergeltung üben! Und sie wird grausam sein! Noch grausamer als je zuvor! Dabei bin ich doch so ein netter Mensch! D: Tze manche wissen es halt nicht zu schätzen.
Mensch die Kinnaz bei unsere kleine Farm sind alle immer so drollig. Naja gut es gibt uch hässliche! o__o Aber dieser süßer Fratz bei dem anderen Film heute..wie uch immer er noch mal hieß war wirklich so furzniedlich..ich hatte wirklich das Bedürfnis genau so ein süßes Kind haben zu wollen. Aber wahrscheinlich würde es ein Unfallkind sein. Wer "macht" heutzutage noch Wunschkinder, hmm? o__O

Ach hab ich noch mehr zu sagen? Nee erstmal nich...
Morgen is ja schon Silvester! O.o Und nix geplant..zumindest nix ordentliches...uch gut xD
Wenn nix vorangeht dann bleib ich eben zu mir uch rille o.o

Donnerstag, 29. Dezember 2011


Can't sleep..when my heart is broke in two~
There's no beat...without youuu~

Song lines just came to my mind randomly.
Watched the first 3 episodes of the Nodame Cantabile Anime on my new TV. ♥ 
And then I watched the rest of Howl's moving castle on tv.
But no matter what I watch, I noticed, my thoughts always wander off.
Without even wanting it, I automatically find my own connections. But this happens too often in daily life. It happens all the matter where I am. This is probably what you call love sick. But actually I am far away of wanting to feel like this. If I had the chance to talk to this love sick person here as another person..I would so tell this person here "You know it's stupid! You know you are not love sick! You are just thinking it is like this! Wake up! I tell you wake up!" But honestly speaking I know that by myself..and it's not like I am glad to feel this way and I know it's stupid.


All I want is finding/getting my Chiaki or Hauru of dreams D:
Am I aiming for too much?
Well you can't find someone if you are not open enough to find HIM.
Probably I actually don't want to find HIM because my heart is already taken. 間違ってる?

Aber es fühlt sich richtig an. Ich meine, ich könnte gar nicht wenn ich wollte. Ich hätte das Gefühl IHN zu betrügen...egal wie dämlich das klingt. Wobei ich auch bzeweifle dass es ihn interessieren würde, weil es ihn sowieso nichts angeht.
Aber vielleicht, vielleicht..vielleicht. Nein ich hab keine Hoffnung. Ich bilde mir nichts ein. Ich warte auch nicht. Ich tue das was ich immer tue. Aber wahrscheinlich werde ich das richtige tun. Meine Intuition sagt mir, dass es richtig ist..und ich werde keinen Rückzieher machen.
Es gibt nur zwei Möglichkeiten.
1. Es ist ihm egal.
2. Es tut ihm weh.

Die Wahrscheinlichkeit dass Nummer 2 eintritt aber es wie Nummer 1 wirkt ist auch hoch.
Sogesehen wird es egal wie auch immer in Nummer 1 enden, selbst wenn er Nummer 2 fühlt.
Also ist das sogesehen auch alles sinnlos...denn damit schade ich nur mir selbst. Nun...nicht schaden...vllt wirkt es ja heilend.
Aber damit es heilt, müsste ich auf alles verzichten. Ja, auf alles..und das ist unmöglich.  o.o

Mittwoch, 28. Dezember 2011

Thinking o.o

No deep thoughts for real...but I am thinking of making this place here to my new blog home.
Unfortunately all my past entries of the last 5 years are on livejournal and if I don't take them to this place, I feel incomplete :(
But actually I like this place here more than LJ. It feels more comfortable o.o
Well I only copy my lj entries one by one I might have finished it in some's not like I wrote 1000 entries in the last 5 years I think...but oh wait...

"1.312 Journal-Einträge, 90 Kategorien, 15 Erinnerungen, 30+ ScrapBook-"

So I indeed have more than 1000entries XDDD
Well I don't mind...
I already got shocked by copying the ones from 2005. They are all crazy...might be because I was a lot younger? :D"
And then I also looked at my hideki tags and was giggling because reading it seems so...I don't know different. Who has ever thought that situations change. But no matter what, I am still in a very annoying situation. The rest of my life seems all alright but this is the only thing which is worrying me..or let's rather say which makes my life seem horrible lately. But I can't tell him that he is the only reason why my life feels ruined lately, although it would be the truth. However on the other hand, of course I can't blame him for his decision..he has to do what he has to do to make the majority happy. when he only tries to make individuals happy, other people will feel jealous... Quite frustrating for both of us. lol
Well in the end it probably was more frustrating for me than for him because I can be replaced easily. I mean in the end I am just a bothersome money source as a fan. I can't give money most of the time because I can't attend anything.
But then I wonder, what is his source of money? It's not like he earns a lot just by doing these kind of small :D" いやいや!

Oh it's been a while since I enjoyed writing a blog! Actually the only reason why I didn't is...I didn't have any reason why I should write!!!
But as soon as I start writing, I can't stop XDD
Uwaaaah only 2am! Well actually I am glad that we don't exchange messages anymore. I put too much efforts in it...I have showed too much of myself..I also wrote too much into the mails....
Of course I am worried about what he thinks about me right now. I don't know if he really feels sorry or if he was just polite. But maybe..or let's rather say..probably...I will never know!
And I am still unsure about what to do....

Samstag, 17. Dezember 2011

End of the year meme - Yay Yay YAy

Because it's a tradition for me even though I don't update this blog anymore out of boredom...

1. What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before?
A lot stuff, going to japan, going to a siam shade concert, going to the hospital....o_o

2. Did you keep your New Years' resolutions and will you make more for next year?
Didn't make any I think

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
I don't think so

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Don't think so

5. What countries did you visit?
Japan and Poland.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
In March - Don't remember the date but Counti visited me :D
7. March - got my first mail ever by Hideki Papa
29. July - got my driver license finally
17. October - went to Japan alone and met Aya and Lizie on the air port <3
21. October - Siam Shade concert. Best concert ever.
26. October - Meeting Hideki..short meeting but it was so touching that I will always remember it with happiness but also with sadness....
27. October - back to Germany and it felt awesome
24. November - Had a car accident
26. November - met my friends finally again after like 1 or 2 years? WTF but it didn't feel like such a long period at all.
Thinking about dates right now is tough...but those are the ones which were the most interesting and touching ones this year...

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
- bought a Iphone
- got my DETROX fanclub card
- got my driver license
- bought a new TV

9. What was your biggest failure?
- hurt a very precious person more than once just because I was careless and stupid..well living with the consequence now...

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
alight traumatic brain injury..and maybe some colds

11. What was the best thing you bought?
iphone, tv, v6, nds, siam shade ticket, flight ticket to japan?

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Hideki' well and the behaviour of an annoying classmate lol

14. Where did most of your money go?

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
about going to japan, going to the siam shade concert and then even more exciting meeting him...=_=

16. What song will always remind you of 2011?
Siam Shade - Dear...
Takeuchi Hiroaki - Dear night rainbow
Takahashi Yoko  - zankoku na tenshi no Thesis

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: Happier or sadder? Thinner or fatter? Richer or poorer?
right at this moment?

Happier or sadder..don't know
Probably as fat as last year and poorer because I was wasting so much money this year

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Learn more for school, be more patient and empathic

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Smoking, bothering someone.

20. How will you be spend Christmas?
At work...

21. Did you fall in love in 2011?

23. How many one-night stands?

24. What was your favourite TV program?
what I watched..hmm not much just some animes...NGE and Rainbow!

25. Are you angry at anyone now that you weren't angry at this time last year?

26. What were the best books you read?
Did I read something? that one book was cool the japanese one I read..dont remember the name right now

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

28. What did you want and get?
Driver license, Japan vacation, Siam Shade reunion + concert, mails by hideki and meeting him

29. What did you want and not get?

30. What was your favourite film of this year?

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Don't remember my birthday but turned 23

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Love (T_T)

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
Nothing changed

34. What kept you sane?
cigarettes, coffee and well actually I was insane!

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Hideki Papa

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

37. Who did you miss?
Many precious people

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Don't know

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011:
- Never smoke in your car when it's dark
- Never hurt people you actually love just because they don't act as you wish

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

Sunlight was the only thing that felt right before I came here
But inside it feels like it keeps raining
And every drop is like the tears we couldn't cry
Because inside we were all alone
But this place gave us something, it somehow made us strong

If there's a place inside this world
Where hopes and dreams are not yet lost
We'll stand and fight against these walls
We'll fight this fight forevermore

Sometimes I feel this anger changing slowly into
A monster that keeps on creeping under
And I don't think that I can take anymore
I need you here like never before
But can you hear me call?

If there's a place inside this world
Where hopes and dreams are not yet lost
We'll stand and fight against these walls
We'll fight this fight forevermore
If there's a place inside this world
Where we must go back to once more
Until the day we find that place
We're not alone

Coldrain - We're not alone