Montag, 18. Juni 2012

So late so late...

but that happens when you get up too late on sunday...
getting up at 1pm although you know its bad...
because on monday you have to get up 8 hours earlier...
well it's kinda weird..this feeling..
I mean I went to bed at 3am and got at 1pm
But...when I have school I need to get up at 5am and at least have school until 1pm or 3pm..
but it feels like that the time inbetween is not passing by at all...instead when you sleep it feels like it was just some minutes ago that you went to bed.
In fact 8 hours can be long...but it always just happens with things you actually don't enjoy because you are forced to do them. Well freetime doesn't pass by as quick as it does when you sleep..but still quick enough...

Actually I totally wanted to write about something different but..it's a matter which is already often enough on my mind  and no matter how often I confront myself with that matter, I am not reaching any solution. An inner conflict. How to deal with inner conflicts?
How to describe it..hmm...actually you can't do something anylonger but still you do, although you know it's wrong. On the other hand, quit doing it is also a lot of pain for you.....doing it brings you joy sometimes but at the same time it brings sadness sometimes..but quitting it only feels like pain...
but quitting it might feel better someday....
It's like quitting with drugs. Doing drugs might be enjoyable to you..but you also know it's bad for your body, expensive and you regret doing it sometimes because no matter what you do, although it's kind of stimulating...it won't change anything in your life because you know you could also live without it...
and you would be probably able to enjoy your life even more without it...being independent...
On the other hand it's tough in the very first place to quit. You try to do it several times, but you always backslide....it's frustrating.
if you knew that without that drug you would definitely feel better and would get something like a little reward...you probably would do it....but who will tell you that? The chance that you will even fall in a more deeper depression and frustration is just too painful....and in that moment you will goo back to take your lovely drug...although you know it will break you.
That drug doesn't need you. It's you needing that drug and that drug knows that.

Well...drugs are poison. You are poison...poison for my body and soul.
It makes me feeling schizophrenic....changing moods and feelings just so quickly that it is shocking for myself. Well  it's probably many factors which influence my mood swings. Stress. Lack of Time. other people's strokes of fate. being in the center of death often. But deaths don't influence me at all I think.
I don't have a hard time to deal with them although I often see dead people...
It's all so tiresome. Too less good things happen in life lately.
All I can do is having pessimistic thoughts. But maybe it's just that what I think is important, is not important to other people, and what's not important for me is important to other people.
But I wonder if any person who would be in my shoes for one day could feel optimistic and happy?
Well who knows. Now after I was able to write some things down, I think I can go to bed peacefully....for 3 hours at least

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