Dienstag, 15. Mai 2012

Not in the mood and

I also don't have enough time to waste it with such stuff.
I don't have time to write down about other people's life, so I won't translate for a while..(well tomorrow my mood could be different again) but you know...
Indeed I am a very difficult person. I am not able to control my mind in times like these..in times when I rarely get sleep..in times when I am more on the road, than feeling home anywhere.
I am not even able to talk to my family friendly when I am feeling all tired and burned out.
It's the people around me suffering as well. They become part of my own suffering although I am trying hard to keep them out. I am trying to avoid having much contact to them although we are living in the same house.
But so that also means I need to get rid of stuff which makes my life even tougher.
There is no reason to force myself, if I am not needed.
I don't need you...I just thought I do. I always did....for many years...in fact all you do is making me sick. Yes making me sick since those days. I am so often angry at you..
It's not like I hate you. But you are like toxic. Toxic which seems harmless at first but then kills you slowly....
I can't...I don't want to. As I said before, when people don't allow me to express my opinions and feelings I won't continue doing it.
It's eating so much time to express the words I want to say..and then if it includes content people don't want to see it's like I wasted time for nothing. I don't have time and energy for that.
It's a lie if I said I do it for myself. I don't. But it's also a lie if I continue doing it, although I know it doesn't mean anything to you.
And no I don't talk about anyone of you here.

All returns to nothing, so there is no reason to spend my life wasting it with something which will never bear fruits. or let's rather say..never bear fruits again.
It's a closed story without a happy ending..but it's over.
So I should also start thinking of it as OVER.

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