もうすぐだね

I feel like....

Seriously I already have the feeling I will fail a lot at my new year's resolutions.
I got that feeling just 2 hours ago. Gentleness is what makes me already feel like this.
And in such situations, I always wonder if I am really such a horrible person or if it's only because he is such a "GUTMENSCH". I can't really tell..but at any rate it makes me feel awful.
I am good at hurting other people in order not to get hurt..but in the end I always have to deal with the consequences. Well, usually I don't even see that my actions could hurt others in the very first place, because I feel safe. But then, out of the blue, bad luck is being my friend and destroys my favourite moments in life. Maybe it was just an awful year.
At any rate it was a year, which could be described a quite bitter, painful but also pretty and beautiful year.
If you think about it that the most horrible event this year caused one of the most beautiful events in my life, it's pretty ironic...or maybe even macabre.
But I also wonder why something so dramatic has to happen to make my favourite band unite.
It's pretty tough to think about....dozens of people had to die
to make these 5 people come together...to make me see them...to make me see him as well.
It's probably better not to think about it at all.

But you know, no day passes without me blaming myself.
I wonder if some things would be different now if I hadn't done this and that.
That's what you call regretting - yes.
Actually in my life I didn't regret that much yet - but this I am regretting a lot.
But that's the Internet. People act without thinking. Why should they? It's not like it has auchbig effects on real life anyway. Well that's true...but losing something important is painful after all.
And it doesn't matter at all if it's the Internet or real life. People are connected.
But so...I probably have another view on the Internet than people who are 20 years older or 10 years younger than myself. I guess older people take it more serious while younger don't at all.
But that's something I didn't consider at all. Maybe generation gaps are tough. Understanding each other is tough. I already have a tough time understanding teenagers these days.
But probably from the viewpoint of 40+ people, my way of writing and dealing with stuff looks also childish?
Well I don't really know.
Actually when a almost 40year old man says to you: "You need to become calmer" it's already the moment when you think: "Already old experienced and wise enough to say something like this, huh."
It's when you feel...this generation gap, which isn't bad because you only learn by older people how to become a better person. Sometimes the way they act is not understandable though but who knows...maybe I will also say only nice things about others....but I would lie to myself if I said something which isn't the truth.
And what's about the "this time". Did you expect there to be a "next time"?
Well now there is no reason anymore for a next time. But why do we always need reasons to go somewhere? Why can't we just go to look at foreign places we don't know. Usually when people ask you why you go to XY place for vacation, they won't be satisfied if you just say: "Just because I want to see the environment." I don't know what arguments they wanna hear. If you don't wanna go there, if you can't imagine to go there, don't even think that I will give you arguments so that you maybe consider going there as well. People's interests are so different...
It's not like I am asking  people why do they go to turkey, although I can't understand it either. But there must be something because many people in Germany love to fly there. o.o

But at any rate, I will stop thinking about being special. I know I am, because every human is something special. Bright and dark sides. No one is perfect but somehow there are these kind of people who seem perfect. But usually these people are boring I think.
I rather prefer these kind of untransparent people. It's interesting if they always have something hidden...
On the other hand, I am annoyed by these kind of people, who talk too much about their whole life. But  I am also annoyed by those people who seem like hiding everything and don't open their heart at all.
You can't understand people's opinions and thoughts if you don't know their background.

あんたのこと、もっと知りたい。

Oh today is new year's eve...already 6am..I should sleep some hours...otherwise I might miss my train....
Good night.