How long....

How long I need to wait.

I don't know anymore how long it has been but it feels like ages ago.

Speaking of work, actually everything is fine. Collegues are in high mood although there is nothing going on to be in high mood. It's rather like...we are laughing it away because the reality is too cruel. Well, not cruel..but the more we work the more familiar we become with each other.
Now I get this japanese life..hanging around more with your collegues than with your own family because of overtime hours for the sake of the company.
Well in our case it's for social reasons. Or well...it's different.
You would feel bad if you are sick because if you are sick you know that your collegues have to fill your gap and they would lose their days off because YOU are sick.

Well but I don't mind.....you know it feels good to be needed.
When you are just busy having painful and sad thoughts in your private life, which bother you to death, you are glad to be able to go to work all the time because you totally forget about your private problems.
Technically I shouldnt have problems or worries.
If it's something which is bothering to me to death it's just the past and memories.

How long it will take to refresh. I have no idea but it seems it takes longer than I thought it does.

Family life seems totally going fine these days.
That's the main thing in my life recently. Family and work.

But thanks to this life I have also come to realize the bad aspects.
You realize who of your friends cares for you for real.
Who is talking to you. Who doesn't even give a damn about what you are doing lately.
But you know, what I think is..maybe those people are exactly as busy as me, wondering the same..thinking they are forgotten...

I never thought that work life will affect friendships so badly...but it really does, it seems.

Not to forget about the fact that after work, all I want is calm..
oh..well..wrong..after work..if there are still collegues I like a lot..I stay at work...chatting with them when there is time..or helping them out....
seems like the beginning of a workaholic...but I really enjoy talking to them.
It's more like collegues have become good friends to chat with.
Normal maybe, because you see them almost every day for many hours...
and when I go home after work..I don't see anyone anymore.
And this means being alone...being alone with horrible thoughts about the same thing...over and over without a solution..without a change..without a result...without a happy ending.

And here I am now..being at home..in my totally changed room.
It feels like I am changing in general lately. not only my room but also me...my hobbies...my preferences..although some things will always be the same..unchanging..and desired.

I am so dumb. so dumb.
How could such a simple, short event, mess around with my whole life.
How could such an event make me even more coldhearted and indifferent towards things I should care about.....
I noticed..it's not the big events which bother me and make me weak...
it's the small things...things like criticism or simply things when I feel attacked as person.
Life is tough, yeah...

And All I know is..there is something missing in my life. Something which is outta my hands, which I can't influence.
That's what I hate the most in this world. Things I can't control....those moments...when you feel like a puppet waiting for the next step to take...which is decided by someone or something else...